If you’re a pastor, there’s a chance you’re a narcissist.
To be clear, the call of a pastor excludes narcissists. Every Christian leader is called to be a servant of all:
“Anyone who wants to be first must be the very last, and the servant of all” (Mark 9:35, NIV).
Ideally, the pastor should be the greatest servant in the entire church.
Yet narcissists become pastors so that everyone else serves them.
One of the defining traits of a narcissist is the need to be right, the need to wield power. A narcissist yields to no one. Being the voice of power and truth behind the pulpit fits narcissists like a glove. Seats on the elder board, teaching Bible studies, managing the church’s money — all of these positions can feed a narcissist’s craving for control.
Jesus and Paul both warned that false teachers and selfish leaders would appear in the church. Because of this warning, we should not surprised to find narcissists among us, like wolves among sheep.
But we must not surrender the church to them.
A personal lament
A narcissist took over a church I love.
At first, he seemed great. Most narcissists do. They’re charming, they’re bold, they appear strong and self-assured. They take charge and get things done.
But slowly, cracks begin to appear.
Narcissists consolidate power to themselves. This particular pastor demonstrated his narcissism by isolating the staff from the elder board. To reach the elders, staff had to communicate through the pastor. When the elders communicated with the staff, the pastor delivered the message. He became the bottleneck of all communication. The power to deliver (and distort) any message was his.
Narcissists classify people into two groups: those for them and those against them. When someone is on the side of the narcissist, the narcissist will take care of them.
Everyone else is an enemy, either potentially or actually. Enemies are kept on the outside. Enemies can still attend the church (high attendance and tithes still make the narcissist look good, after all). But these church members only receive the scraps. The ones on the narcissist’s side receive the power positions, the gifts, the public offices, the blessings, the protection, the affirmation.
The narcissist split the church I love into these two categories. A core of people loved him, and he made sure they felt loved back. They could see no wrong in him because he took care of them.
But the quiet majority of the church slowly wilted. If you weren’t in the “in crowd,” you didn’t seem to matter.
The staff withered. Numerous individuals devoted decades to serving at the church. They loved it dearly. Yet before long every staff member wanted to resign.
This happens to many who staff a narcissist’s church. A narcissist pastor doesn’t shepherd you to help you grow; they command you to do what they want. Independent thought is punished. If you’re not bowing to the narcissist’s power, you’re a threat to his power.
It was a difficult matter for the church to address. Narcissists try to make themselves hard to criticize. They’re bold, they champion the truth (as they see it), and they’ve taken care to keep the powerful people in the church on their side. Showing people the problem becomes challenging in such an atmosphere. After all, don’t we want powerful leaders in church?
But in the end, the cracks grew too great to hide.
This church dearly loved its former pastors. These pastors loved the people. They would die for you.
But the narcissist — well, the narcissist demanded that you die for him. If you didn’t, there would be consequences.
When the church saw this contrast, they removed him.
Jesus protected His leaders from themselves
If you want to find the narcissist among you, find the leader who refuses to be corrected.
Peter championed the truth (as he saw it). When Jesus told Peter and the disciples, “You will all fall away” (Mark 14:27, ESV), Peter corrected Jesus, saying, “Even though they all fall away, I will not!” (Mark 14:29, ESV).
Jesus doubled-down: “Truly, I will you, this very night, before the rooster crows twice, you will deny me three times” (Mark 14:30, ESV). And Peter championed the truth (as he saw it): “If I must die with you, I will not deny you!” (Mark 14:31, ESV).
Was Peter a narcissist at this point? At the least, he shared one key quality with narcissists: he could not be wrong. He would not even let Jesus correct him. If Jesus and Peter thought differently, then Jesus was wrong, and Peter would prove it.
That kind of pride is the gateway to narcissism.
So Jesus broke Peter’s pride.
Peter denied Jesus exactly as Jesus foretold. A narcissist cannot admit to being wrong, and they cannot allow themselves to be associated with someone in the wrong. When the Romans arrested and publicly shamed Jesus, Peter refused to be associated with Him.
But when the rooster crowed and Jesus stared straight into Peter’s soul, Peter’s pride burst like a dam. He went out and wept bitterly.
Peter could not ignore how wrong he was.
It was one of the greatest gifts Jesus ever gave to him.
After Jesus died and rose again, Jesus appeared to the disciples many times. During one of these times, he focused on Peter to reveal the new condition of his heart.
Jesus asked Peter, “Do you love me more than these?” (John 21:15, ESV).
Can you hear the question Jesus is asking? Amidst a question of love, Jesus forced Peter to examine his heart for feelings of superiority over others.
Peter answered, “Yes, Lord; you know that I love you.” (John 21:15 ESV).
Peter saw the heart of the question. He showed in three ways that his trials had broken narcissism out of his life.
First, Peter humbled himself publicly. Jesus used the verb agapao for love, showing the greatest possible love. Peter used the verb phileo, showing a powerful love, but a lesser love. Peter self-humbled, with all the other disciples watching.
Second, Peter didn’t compare himself to others. He didn’t even mention the others.
Third, Peter affirmed that Jesus knows, not him. Peter has given up correcting Jesus.
When Jesus saw the change in Peter’s heart, He gave Peter a command: “Feed my lambs.” (John 21:15, ESV).
The one who feeds serves the one who eats. The servant labors so that others may live. Jesus bestowed power on Peter, but not to wield it for himself. Jesus commanded Peter: Use your position to serve.
The fierce power of humility
Years later, after Peter had led Jesus’ church faithfully and powerfully, Peter slid back through fear into pride. He split his church into two groups, divided along racial lines. Peter ate with his people only, and let the outsiders eat by themselves. Peter led many astray with him. Soon he was spending all his time with his “in crowd” while the rest of the church withered.
Paul opposed Peter to his face. He exposed Peter’s hypocrisy before the whole church (Galatians 2:11–14).
And Peter exploded in anger. He excommunicated Paul. He banished Paul from all the churches for daring to oppose him. Peter refused to tolerate anyone who called him out.
Or he might have, if Jesus had not broken his pride.
Instead, Peter repented. He took no vengeance on Paul. There was no church split, no smear campaign, no personal defense. Peter accepted Paul’s harsh words, with no hint of defending himself.
To be clear: honor is mandatory. We must honor our leaders, even the wrong ones. Paul opposed Peter to his face — which may seem harsh to us, but it honored Peter as leader. Paul did not gossip behind Peter’s back. Paul did not form an opposition group to oust Peter. Paul did not spread rumors of Peter to sow doubt and dissent in people’s hearts. Paul confronted Peter directly. He didn’t shame Peter, and he didn’t pull a power move to take Peter’s place. He only confronted Peter about his sin so that Peter could repent and lead the church in health.
And Peter, whose heart God had made tender, received the rebuke.
Servant pastors receive rebuke.
Narcissist pastors attack the rebuker.
The prayer narcissists refuse to pray
King David wielded more power than nearly any other person in the Bible. He dominated in the fields of politics, military prowess, artistic creation, wisdom, and economics.
Because David humbled himself before God.
Humility was David’s strength. When he lost humility and began taking whatever he desired, he fell into horrid sin and self-seeking justification. But when God confronted David about his sin, David received the rebuke. He repented publicly and humbled himself again.
David prayed the prayer that narcissists refuse:
“Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting!” (Psalm 139:23–24, ESV).
A narcissist never considers that this prayer might actually find something. Narcissist aren’t wrong. If someone accuses them of being wrong, that accuser is wrong, not the narcissist.
A narcissist does not let God correct them. Instead, they view God as supporting them, because they are God’s champion, the leader God put in place. If anyone attacks them, that person is attacking God.
Pastors and leaders, let me ask you: when is the last time that you went before your people and confessed as David did, “I have sinned against the Lord” (2 Samuel 12:13, ESV)? When have you told your people that you were wrong?
If you have humbled yourself before your people and repented, narcissism will have a hard time claiming you.
But if you resent the idea — if you recoil from the thought of telling your people you were wrong — then narcissism may already control you.
Priesthood of all believers
Peter taught the church God’s strategy for leadership. God did not design a dictatorship, nor even a democracy. God designed a kingdom where every person (not merely the leaders!) serves as priest:
“You are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for His own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of Him who called you out of darkness into His marvelous light. Once you were not a people, but now you are God’s people” (1 Peter 2:9–10, ESV).
Servant leaders de-centralize power. This is the heart of discipleship: empowering others. Servant leaders help others grow stronger, becoming leaders themselves. Successful pastors joyfully watch their own power diminish as their people need them less and less.
This strategy protects the church from narcissism.
If we are all priests, then we all have the ability to speak into each other’s lives.
If we are all priests, then we should all be studying Scripture, growing in the faith, and leading in our spheres of influence.
If we are all priests, then Paul can rebuke Peter, thereby saving Peter from destroying his own church.
A narcissist’s worst enemy
It you’re a narcissist, most likely you don’t know it. Like Peter, you may see yourself as bold, confident, and a champion of truth (as you see it). Like Peter, if someone tells you that you’re wrong, you will firmly believe the other person is wrong — even if the other person is Jesus.
If you are trapped in self-blind narcissism, the best gift God could give you is to shame you publicly so much that you can’t ignore how wrong you were. Hardened pride takes effort to crack.
This is not God’s first choice. He would rather you sought Him like David, seeking the wicked ways in your own heart in order to repent swiftly.
But God will do whatever it takes to break through our pride.
One day, every knee will bow before Him. Even the most stubborn narcissist will repent, acknowledging where they were wrong and Jesus right.
And here’s the scariest part: if you are trapped in narcissism and you refuse to search yourself, you won’t know you’re damned until the chance for repentance is gone:
“Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. On that day many will say to me, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and cast out demons in your name, and do many mighty works in your name?’ And then will I declare to them, ‘I never knew you; depart from me, you workers of lawlessness.’ (Matthew 7:21 — 23, ESV)
They said, “Lord, look how great I am! Look at all I did!” Like every narcissist, their eyes see only themselves.
Jesus responds, “I never knew you.”
These self-centered Christian leaders thought they were serving Christ. They accomplished wonders in the name of Jesus. Yet they could not see the glory of God because they were too focused on glorifying themselves for all they had achieved.
Jesus calls all of their accomplishments “lawlessness.” They did not obey Jesus, even as they accomplished great ministry.
But why not? What did they miss?
Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. (Philippians 2:3, ESV)
Narcissism begins to crumble as soon as you humble yourself to count everyone around you as more significant than you are. If, by the grace of God, you esteem others above yourself, such that you gladly sacrifice your well-being to serve them, then narcissism can’t have you.
But if you meet Jesus while still full of selfish ambition, proudly proclaiming how great you are because of all you’ve accomplished, then Jesus may indeed say, “Depart from me. I never knew you.”